Rotorua Hospice has been part of Mary Tupai’s life for the last 18 years.
When her husband Eddie was diagnosed with cancer, he was determined to continue working in the Corrections Department.
“He was very stubborn. He would have radiation therapy or chemotherapy and then drive himself back to work. He wasn’t giving in. He fought it”.
At the time, Mary was working 6 days a week for New Zealand Post. Returning from work one morning she found Eddie sitting on his chair.
“When I asked why he wasn’t at work he said, “I can’t walk”.”
They went to hospital where they were told that he would never walk again. The cancer had progressed and taken out two of his vertebrae. While Eddie was in hospital, the family’s journey with Hospice started.
“I didn’t even know what Hospice did before they came into our life. They talked to us at the hospital and explained things. When I brought Eddie home, Hospice had set up the lounge with the hospital bed. They knew what we needed before we even knew ourselves. I wouldn’t have known where to start.”
“We went from there. Hospice visited all the time. Eddie was a very proud man, so I looked after his personal hygiene at the start. Hospice got us a wheelchair, which Eddie didn’t like using, but we needed it to get him from his bed to the bathroom.
Life carried on with Mary caring for Eddie while continuing to work. This inevitably took a toll on Mary and her family.
“There came a day when I talked to my husband and said, “I can’t do it anymore, it’s too much”. I was looking after him all day and getting up to go to work at 2.30am. That was the hardest part. I knew the nurses would look after him, but it was very hard handing over.”
Once the Hospice team were more involved with Eddie’s care, life was a little easier for Mary.
“When the healthcare assistants took over Eddie’s personal care, he was alright about it as he had got to know them, and he trusted them. Eddie got on well with them and with the nurses. They would joke and have a laugh together.”
Mary found it very helpful to have Hospice involved in the medical side of Eddie’s care.
“He had to have injections, and I just couldn’t do it. The nurses took all that medical stuff off my hands, so I didn’t have to worry about it. They had a good relationship with our doctor. It was such a relief to have that support.”
It was important to all the family and especially to Eddie, that he was able to stay at home.
“Without them, we would not have survived. It was hard for my kids to watch their dad go through this. We got through it, but I honestly don’t think we would have without Hospice. And he wouldn’t have been able to stay at home if Hospice wasn’t there to help.”
“Without Hospice, we would have struggled. They had everything there for him, all the equipment we needed. The lounge was set up well, Eddie had fresh air, his tv. He was part of everyday family life.”
At one of the hardest times of her life, Mary and Eddie’s daughter Tracey found comfort in the support her family received from Hospice.
“Having these beautiful hospice ladies come into our home, caring for my dad with such respect in his final months, was truly amazing. It allowed our family to spend quality time with dad without the added stress. They were never considered strangers in our home who were just doing a job – they became family.”
When the Hospice team visited, it was the highlight of the day for Eddie.
“He didn’t like lots of people visiting, but he didn’t mind Hospice coming. They did so much for us. They got him an air mattress to help make him more comfortable. He was always clean. They always came when we rang. They were there when we needed them.”
Hospice cared for Eddie for 15 months. They were there not just for Eddie, they looked after Mary too.
“That was nice, the fact that they looked after me as well as Eddie. One of the team would have a chat with me, while the other was taking care of Eddie. They kept me going and would tell me what was happening. I appreciated that, I really did.”
“Having them working alongside us made it easier on my children, especially my oldest, who lives in the UK. It gave him great peace of mind, knowing the help I was getting.”
“I take my hat off to the nurses, I really do. They work hard and the emotion they must carry must be very difficult. They were like my family. I knew I could talk to them about anything and the fact that they cared about me, as well as Eddie, was really appreciated. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have them.”
As Eddie’s illness progressed, Hospice’s involvement with the family increased. When Eddie died, they were there.
“One of my clearest memories of Hospice is of two of the Hospice team standing there as Eddie died. Just standing quietly at the back of my lounge with everybody else, not saying anything, not taking over. Just standing beside our family. When he died, they came up and checked him, made sure Eddie was looking his best and everything was good.”
Unfortunately, 12 years later Mary needed to use the services of Hospice again for her son Mark.
“Our time with Hospice for Mark was very short, only 2-3 weeks. Mark didn’t like being in hospital, he didn’t like being away from home. When he saw the hospital bed in the lounge it was very confronting. He said, “I’m not sleeping in that”. It brought back a lot of memories for all of us.”
“When we brought him home from hospital to his own house, Hospice helped to manage his pain using a syringe driver. After Mark died, Hospice came to take all the equipment away and clean up. It made it a lot easier, not having to deal with all that. Knowing you don’t have to think about things like that.”
Mark died in his own home, 12 years and 1 month after his dad Eddie.
The support that Mark’s wife Melissa and their children received from Hospice helped them cope when Mark was in his final days.
“We have tremendous appreciation for the kindness and care you showed us during such a difficult time, while we were grieving and preparing for his passing. The ladies were so caring and supportive. Your compassion meant the world to our family. We will be forever grateful.”
Mary started donating to Hospice after Eddie died. At the time, the Hospice newsletter included a wish list of things that were needed. Mary bought a bed and equipment – happy to help provide whatever was needed.
“That was how I helped Hospice when I was still working. Eventually I will give another donation, though not just yet.”
When she retired, Mary started volunteering for Hospice.
“I figured now I’ve got all this free time, I’m very happy to give my time to help such a great cause. I’ll do anything for Hospice, within reason!“
“I enjoy it and have persuaded my daughter-in-law and friend to help too. I volunteer at fundraising events like Trees of Remembrance, the Home & Garden show and the Hospice Awareness Week Street Appeal. I like that I can give back and make a difference by giving my time.”
“It made such a difference to us, being able to have Eddie at home and having Hospice there to help. I couldn’t praise them any higher, we were very lucky to have them with us. I’ve never been so thankful and that’s why I’ll always do whatever I can to help Hospice.”